Welcome to the Birth of Scars of Beauty
I find out I am pregnant. I am nervous and in love with the idea of our family growing. This baby is a surprise for us, a welcomed and wonderful surprise. We select names. I work out how to reschedule my life around university, work and my two older children.
** Trigger Warning **
This story contains descriptions of pregnancy loss, ectopic pregnancy and surgery
I experience sharp pain in my stomach and pelvic area, it has been well over a week since we discovered the incredible news. The pain is strong and severe. I do not recall this sensation in previous pregnancies but perhaps I have forgotten. I check in with my network of mothers and ask about pregnancy pain levels. I announce that I am crippled over, clenching my stomach. I cannot sleep the pain is too intense. This is not an experience others seem to have had themselves. Maybe this is not normal…
I go to bed and have more severe pains than the nights before. I awake and find blood. Thick, dark, strong blood. I place a pad in my underwear and wonder if I am having a miscarriage. I try not to panic. No more blood arrives. I am relieved. The pain doesn’t go away. I decide that perhaps I should go to the Emergency Department to get checked. I arrive and a blood test is taken, my HCG levels have gone up. I blink and soak in the news, pure relief floods my whole body. They complete an in-room ultrasound but do not find anything. I am referred to the hospitals Obstetrician Clinic and the next day and an ultrasound is booked in my name. I am allowed to return home to my beautiful little family.
I feel anxious as I arrive for the ultrasound. The sonographer informs me she can see a haemorrhage in my uterus, and it appears my right fallopian tube is inflamed. I ask if we need to terminate, she holds my hand and says, “This is not a viable pregnancy, it can’t grow properly, this will be to save your life.’’ She directs me to the Emergency Department. I cry. Tears roll down my face. I call my husband to tell him the news. I cannot find the strength to speak any words out loud. I cry into the phone. I quickly hang up and decide to text the information as I cannot find my words. I am a mess. I want to try and pull myself together to get through what is about to come. I am in pain. So much pain. My pelvic pain is forceful and dominating. I see a doctor immediately. I discuss options. Fallopian tube removal is suggested as the safest option in my case. I am given literature to read while I wait for surgery.
I think of all the things I must have done wrong to end up in this position. I am prepped for surgery. I am wheeled into the theatre and see a familiar face. Relief fills my body. The doctor is Anju, someone I have a professional relationship with. She comforts me, she hugs me, she holds my hand. She makes me feel at ease, I am grateful for her, for her mannerisms, her compassion, and her timing.
I awake from surgery, and I am sleepy. My husband is by my side and seems thankful the surgery is over, and that he can support me. I cannot stay awake. I sleep. I awake for a moment, and I sleep again. I stay overnight, I hear murmurs of low bloody pressure being whispered by the nurses checking on me. I awake the next day and feel more alert. I am sore and sad. I can go home to my beautiful family. But I am nervous. I am nervous to go home. Who do I tell? Do I grieve in silence? What do I tell all my work clients and their families? How do I go on when everything has changed for me, but the rest of the world seems the same? I have lost a tube. I have lost a pregnancy. I have lost the opportunities of a memory making as a family of three with this baby. Where do I go from here?
I tell my friend Emma. I know she’s been through hard times with the whole pregnancy journey and we together, welcome the Birth of Scars of Beauty!
If this story has triggered personal memories or traumas for you. Please talk to a health professional. Additional resources can be found at Birth Trauma – Australian Birth Trauma Association